You should be having regular relationship check-ins.

When it comes to wellbeing content, I tend to be very sparse with directives. Everyone is different, and what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for everyone. Hell, I’m writing a self-help book, and across nearly twenty chapters, there’s really only one instance of me saying, You should really be doing this specific thing.

So I hope you believe me when I say: I don’t take directives lightly. If I’m urging you to do it, there’s probably a really good reason for it.

With that disclaimer out of the way, I’ll come right out with it:

If you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, you should be having regular relationship check-ins. No matter how long you’ve been together; no matter how happy your relationship currently is. If your goal is mutual happiness and support, you should have a recurring, dedicated space to check in with one another.

Too often, partnerships save alignment conversations for when something has gone wrong — when trust has been violated, or when goals have diverged.

How was I supposed to know you were feeling insecure? one partner asks after a playful jest goes awry.

If I’d have known you were feeling smothered, I’d have given you space! another says, after their partner accuses them of being too clingy.

Brains are efficient little machines. When we believe something is stable, that belief will persist until we see compelling evidence to the contrary (sufferers of chronic anxiety excluded). Have you ever driven past a familiar place, only to suddenly realize that a huge building is being constructed? Have you turned on your car and been surprised to see a nearly empty fuel indicator? Probably. It happens to all of us. It’s simply too taxing to constantly monitor the status of everything in our lives (as anyone with chronic anxiety could tell you.)

Check-ins are the fuel light in your car. They’re the Grand Opening sign for a new building. They’re an opportunity for you an your partner(s) to say, “This is where I’m at. Let’s explore how it impacts you/me/us.”

Tom and I have implemented check-ins since the start of our relationship. Every three months, we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. We dress up, too. We hype it up, and we always order dessert. It’s fun. It’s playful. We genuinely look forward to them. It’s framed as an opportunity for increased connection, because that’s exactly what it is.

Sometimes, it’s been an uneventful few months, and we breeze through our questions. Sometimes, the conversations are a little tougher. But no matter what, the check-in happens. We walk deliberately through each question. We make space. And by the end of it, we invariably feel more heard, valued, and equipped to support one another.

The human existence isn’t easy. And while relationships can make some aspects of life easier, they make others infinitely more difficult. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Don’t go into that with blinding assumptions. Take the time to continually understand the whole-ass human you’re sharing life with. I promise you: if your goal is to be happier together, it will be worth it.

___

Over the years, we’ve adjusted the template a bit. I encourage you to work with your partner(s) on the style that works best for you. But if you’d like a starting-off point, you can find ours here.