“Do you always have to be winning?”

A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed, speaking aloud my latest musings on the way my brain works.

Yes, this is something I do frequently.

My partner was listening intently, as he always does. I was detailing some recent moments of insecurity. This time, I think, it was around the muscle mass I’ve lost over the years.

You see, I think muscle is sexy. I like when people look at me and think, “Damn, she’s strong.” Unfortunately, a slew of health issues has made going to the gym all but impossible. I still regularly engage in strength training, but it looks a lot different than it used to. My physical therapy regimen consists mostly of resistance bands, rather than the heavy weights I was pushing a few years ago.

I get it. I’m making good choices for my health. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get frustrated: I miss looking shredded. And sometimes, when I see other femmes who clearly put in the work, I can’t help but feel diminished — like I’m falling short of some unnamed definition of success.

“I have a question for you,” he asked tentatively. His tone was a clear tell that his question was a spicy one. “Do you always have to be winning?”

I bit my lip. I immediately knew the answer to the question. Yes, I do. My ego requires narratives of success and forward progress. I strive to be exceptional, always. That doesn’t mean I can’t fail or backtrack. But even failure must serve a forward-moving plot, like an anime protagonist who gets their ass beat, only to rise stronger.

I’m aware of the double-edged sword here. I attribute much of my success to this perspective. Many of my accomplishments were motivated by the desire to have a winning narrative. But it also means that my brain is programmed to find challenges to overcome. I look around the world, and I see comparison points — opportunities for a story where I win.

That shredded girl at the gym? Wow, if I were really winning, I’d look like her.

My partner thinks someone else is attractive? Yeah, but he loves me. He just thinks she’s hot.

You see the problem here.

Not every moment in life is a call to action. Not every challenge is meant to be met. And yet here I am, seeking out every opportunity to prove that I’m greater: greater than I used to be, greater than what others expect of me, greater than…anything, really. Because that’s what it means to win.

In my defense, I was raised by a father who told me he “won” the divorce because he got custody of the “best” kid. In middle school, when I got a near-perfect score on the National Latin Exam, his first question was which answer I got wrong. It’s no excuse, but it does explain things.

In truth, I don’t know if this striving mentality is something I want to change completely; the rewards are too great. But I’m developing a growing awareness of the ways in which this mentality doesn’t serve me. This shit is exhausting. Sometimes, I’m bound to lose. I just don’t have the energy or talent to win at everything. There are too many sexy, shredded women in this world for me to see all of them as a reminder of what I could be. And I refuse to be the kind of person who diminishes someone else to make me feel better, even if it’s just in my own head.

Of course, with great irony, I’m seeing this as an opportunity to grow. It’s nothing I can undo overnight — after all, this shit runs deep for me. But right now, I’m trying two new strategies:

• For victories associated with skill or labor, I’m implementing a one in, one out model. If I see something I want to accomplish, I have to find something of equal value I’m willing to deprioritize in my life. “Wow, I really ought to be more muscular” becomes “What am I willing to sacrifice to gain back those hours, so I can spend them at the gym instead?” If I find an exchange that feels worth it, I commit. If I don’t, I remind myself that prioritizing what matters to me is winning.

• For victories associated with inherent value and worth, like the threat of a woman my partner is attracted to, I’m grounding myself in the following belief: I hold value, regardless of how that value stacks up against others. Someone else’s attractiveness, intelligence, or prowess doesn’t influence how attractive, intelligent, or skillful I am. Inherent worth and value are not relative; there are no winners and losers. But my ability to embrace that belief? That’s what winning looks like.

Perhaps this is a little min-maxy. Perhaps I’m a bit of a try-hard when it comes to gaming my wellbeing. But frankly, this is a game where I’m in it to win it, and I’m alright with that :).